Stranded Thoughts

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T00:23:00.003-06:00

Everyone talks about what they are thankful for around this time of year. Makes you think if they think about being thankful any other time of the year! We have so much to be thankful for every day why only make it a once a year thing, or only think about it around a holiday. If your living today then you have something to be thankful for. If you have ever loved, then you have something to be thankful for. I read about every one's 30 days of thankfulness and it kind of makes me laugh, because really you have to think about it for 30 days to be thankful for and you can tell when someone is having a hard time coming up with something because they start putting things like "I'm thankful for my cat he always keeps me warm". What about I'm thankful I live in a country that has clean water or inside plumbing! I'm ready for their 30 days to be over so I don't have to read it anymore every time I am on face book. Maybe I should be thankful I don't have to get on face book if I don't want to.

It's not that I am not thankful, but I try to be that everyday not just on a holiday that most people don't even know the history of why on this holiday we should be thankful!

Making the Most of it...

2011-09-23T12:43:00.002-05:00

You learn many things when you move around as much as we do. You learn who you are inside and out, how you will handle situations, how you can change an out come, how to make friends, who to invest in. But, sometimes there are bumps in the road. You learn from those as well. I am happy for the changes that we have each made ,who we are becoming. Watching my children learn from these things also. They see the real you, the good, the bad and the ugly. I am thankful to have them watching me, it makes me think about my choices more often and the example I am displaying to them. They learn from how we relate to others. They will know how to be a good friend based on what kind of friend they have seen me be. It never surprises me the people who choose to stay in touch with you and the ones who let you fall by the wayside. It is always the people who value relationship, friendship or who shared a deeper bond. It's about sharing those everyday moments of your life, they become like your extended family. You laugh, fight and make up. I am thankful for all the people who have come in and out of my life. For the ones who have stayed and the ones who have not. They all mean something on this journey!

1st Day

2011-08-22T22:28:00.003-05:00

These 4 started school today! 1st day in a new school can be crazy, they took it all in stride. I am glad because I am sure it won't be the last school they go to. We are still settling in to our new life here. We all miss our fiends back in Utah, it is strange how a place can change you. How people can change you. I am looking for relationships here that I tend to compare to the ones I left behind. It is difficult to find people who were as amazing as my friends back in Ut. They each made me want to be better, rather that was a better mother, a better friend, a better wife. I love them and I always will. I will miss sharing my life with them. Those beautiful friends of mine that I shared a unique bond with. I am grateful for your love, laughter and tears. You will forever be in the fabric of who I am. I am sure you will forever be my friends!

New lease on life

2011-07-10T01:11:00.001-05:00

It's been a while...we moved yet again this time back to Texas...I am loving the heat and acclimated to life again outside of the bubble. Though the transition has been strange and not what what I was expecting I am adjusting.

Snow

2010-11-29T00:32:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving came and went now we have only 3 weeks till Christmas break. I have no idea where the time goes! The kids and I had a great week. I spent Thanksgiving night from 11pm to 5 am the next morning sitting in the DS line with my friend Sarah so that she could get more then one. We had fun shopping and talking and time went by fast. We spent Thanksgiving with our friends and families. It was fun everyone chipping in and making food.

Last night we had more snow so of course the kids went out to play and go sledding. I want them to enjoy it as much as they can because you never know where we will end up next. We may not have snow for awhile if we move somewhere hot!

I hope that you made the best of your Holiday and made some great memories with your family!

Moment by Moment

2010-11-15T10:29:00.002-06:00

Well K-5 took her first step yesterday then promptly fell because everyone was screaming at her and clapped her hands. She knew she must of done something great but was not quit sure what! She will be off and running by her 1st birthday I am sure.

Today it is raining, sleeting and snowing. It will leave a nice mess on the ground by the time for carpool.

I have been reminded of how blessed I am here in Utah. We have a great group of friends. We went out this weekend to a restaurant that had a live band and then to a movie. It is great when 8 of your closest friend and spouses or dates come along. I will miss these days when we are gone. I share my life here with some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. They have enriched my life so much over the last 3 years. They each bring something to the table so to speak. They make me want to be a better friend, wife, mother and all around person. They each have such unique qualities that I love. They have all made the last 3 years of my life worth all that has happened. We have laughed, cried, been by each others side through some very difficult times. I know that I can count on them no matter what or where I am.

I love you girls, you are sown into the fabric of who I am, and who I will forever be... Thank you for being a friend!

Life moves at warp speed

2010-10-04T22:49:00.002-05:00

Once school started we have been going no-stop. Time is flying by and it is now October. I am expectant and awaiting the next phase of life while I wait to see where life will lead us next. I am excited but also have mixed feelings. I love my girlfriends here in Utah. They have become my family. Without them I would have never survived the last three years. I depend on them, confide in them and share my life & family. I love them, they have become an extension of me. I adore you and you have made my life beautiful. You have laughed, cried and stalked with me! I would not be this person without you and the experiences we have shared! Every moment is like a snapshot in time making memory traces that I hope go into the long term memory! Are you laughing yet I am!

Summer has come to an End...

2010-08-24T20:53:00.002-05:00

The kids are all back in school and this week I am off again to the gym! I need to loose the 30lbs I put back on after having baby k-5.

The other day I was at Wal*mart and a mom looked at me dazed shopping with only 1 kid and said two more days only two more days. Like I could identify with her, while I am shopping with 5 kids who were well behaved! Two cart full of groceries and 5 kids makes for a long shopping trip! In that moment I was thinking how sad I would be to not have the boys around everyday, how bored their sister would be without them to entertain her. With 3 in all day and one going three days a week it will be way to quite and leave only me to keep k-5 out of trouble.

I miss them already!!! I am sure by the time I get use to them being gone they will be back again for another summer!

Summer Lovin'

2010-06-22T14:37:00.002-05:00

The summer has been in full force. We left to go back home the day school got out! Spent three weeks between Oklahoma and Texas. We had so much fun with family and friends. Then as soon as we came home we got right back into the swing of things. We have not had one free day since landing back in Utah with no signs of it slowing down! This week the boys are in VBS half the day. This afternoon we are headed to Seven Peaks with some of our favorite people! All week we have more then one thing on our days list to do. I will try to catch up soon with a more in depth post!

Wanna win a Canon Mark 5DII or a $2500 SWA gift card

2010-03-11T14:03:00.002-06:00

http://www.haveanepiphanie.com/ just go here and follow the rules! They are giving away the Canon Mark 5DII or a $2500 Southwest Airlines card! Either would be great!

Making the most of every moment!

2010-02-23T00:03:00.002-06:00

I am of the mindset when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I have never been the cry over your sorrows kind . When the pressure is on I am a go to girl. The more you throw my way the more you will get back. I don't know what it is about being a fighter mentality but it's in me. I love the people I love and I if I don't like you, you will defiantly be able to tell. Don't mess with my kids, my husband or my friends or family. These are the things that make me up. I live in the moment and try to make the most of it. I never go a day without laughter except when I lost my dad. Life is to short to worry about the small stuff and normally I have a full plate to keep me going. With five kids there is not alot of time for much else. So if you are self absorbed, arrogant, or looking for a one sided friendship I don't have the time!
We all need to step outside ourselves and put our self in someone Else's shoes from time to time, it builds compassion and relationship. Most people who do not have friends it is because they have never taken the time to be a friend. Friendships and life you get out of them what you put into them.

Uncertainty

2010-02-06T11:56:00.003-06:00

Even when everything is turned upside down in my life and I should be overwhelmed, I can feel at peace. With a future that I cannot see or know what it looks like. Decisions that need to be made and not know which way to go. I find comfort in the fact that God is in control and I am not. I have always been of the mindset that if I learned a lesson a bad choice or the trial was well worth the pain. All because I gained knowledge from it. The last two and a half years have been difficult in every area of my life. My faith has been tested, I have lost my father and countless financial and work related issues. All of which any one could have crumbled my world. I became a mother again and was unprepared for that as well. Through it all I have found grace and very valuable lessons. These lessons and difficult times are the ones that in the end define who you are, what your made of and ultimately how you will overcome adversity in your life. Though the story is not yet finished and this chapter has not yet closed I am hopeful for the outcome.

Living in the moment

2010-01-21T00:13:00.003-06:00

This year I am tying to live in the moment more. To not let things get to me. There are so many obstacles in life, we all need less distraction. I am learning more to take things in stride, what you cannot change and continue to move forward. No matter what that may look like. This year is bound to be better then the last. It has already started out better, we have a beautiful daughter. With the many changes facing our family I will rest assured that it is all in God's hands and that He knows what is best.

Today Kevin turned 42. As I think back to when I first saw him he was a striking 6'7 210 lbs and he had muscles back then. He was wearing khaki pants, white button down shirt and a floral tie. He was tan just coming back from vacation and he would not even look me in the eyes back then. He would get to nervous and smile all the time.

Now I think of how we have both changed over the years, rubbing off on each other. I love this man so much and I hope we have 50= more birthdays together!

People are Strange

2010-01-14T18:09:00.005-06:00

Why are people so strange? Why do they put to much time worrying about the doings of others? I just do not get it! Is life not full enough already that you have to be thinking about others all the time? I personally do not have the energy to put into that. With five kids it is the last thing I have time for. I think that everyone would be better off if they would just concentrate on their own lives.

I am so thankful for the gifts I have in this life. My husband, children and my friends. It truly only takes one person to make a difference! So if we would all care enough and try to make it better this world we leave to our children someday. We can all do our part and it doesn't have to be huge just try!

Amazed

2009-12-28T15:42:00.003-06:00

I am so amazed at how much the heart can grow and stretch. At our ability to love and make room for another person as though they were always present. Every time I have had a child I thought how can I love one more person, and be able to give them all what they need. Somehow it just happens! You make room and the new little person makes all of your lives better just by having them and it re-enforces motherhood once again and our ability to care for ad love our young. In a way that only a mother can love. Watching how the boys have responded to a sister and how they never miss a beat and keep on ticking along as thought things have always been this way. Like this is how life was meant to be. They are my tiny hero's, I hope that when all 5 of my children look back on their lives the one thing they know for sure is they were loved. That they grew up in a loving home, that they never felt left out or not wanted. They are these great people who have compassion, share, and laugh all the time. I hope life is kind to them and that they always stay that way!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T19:50:00.002-06:00

This is our Christmas present this year. K-5 with all her charm has added love and pink to our lives. Our Christmas has been filled with laughter and lots of yummy food. We hope that you all have a wonderful holiday. We are anxiously awaiting the New Year with hope and joy for what it might bring to our lives.

So Merry Christmas and a Happy and Blessed New Year. I will be sending out Christmas/Birth Announcements soon. Yes, they will be late this year. I know there is a first time for everything right!

Perfect

2009-12-22T22:29:00.002-06:00

On December 16th I gave birth to my fifth child a girl. The only one I will ever have. She was born at 3:18p.m. 6 lbs. 15 oz and 19 1/2 inches. I went into the hospital at 8:30 they broke my water at 9:30 went into labor at 2 and the 2 pushes later and some extra pain medication there she was. I never in my life would have thought that I would be the mother of 5. Here I am almost 10 years of marriage to an amazing man and I have 4 sons and 1 daughter. The boys have been over joyed to have her.

It never ceases to amaze me at how my life has turned out. I was the one who didn't want to get married and never wanted kids. To now I cannot imagine anything else better then the life I live. Being a stay at home mom and loving everything about it. Knowing how blessed I am in my life to be able to be at home with them. getting to share in every little thing in their lives right now. Watching them change and mature into the little gentlemen that they are. I know I will find the same joy and comfort with my daughter. I wish that my father could see her, hold her, share all of his wisdom with her. So I will just have to do my best to impart that into her. to give her the confidence that he gave me to face the world and all of it's challenges.

She is perfect and I know that she will bring as much joy and laughter to our lives as her brothers have. I hope she is ready for this crazy life with 4 older brothers. I am sure that there will be times in her life where she will not like being the only girl with all these boys. I think I like it that way....they will make sure she stays in line I am sure!

Choices

2009-11-30T00:18:00.003-06:00

We all make choices in life. With every choice we make our lives can take a different path. I still believe that it only takes one person to make a difference. That our actions and words can impact those around us. With every choice I make I think of how will it effect those I love the most. I think of the choice of my children, I often hear myself speaking pearls of wisdom that I wish someone had told me! I wonder if I will push them to much.
K-1 struggles at time in school and has to work a little harder then K-2. I always tell him you can be as smart as you want to be. Knowledge is there for anyone willing to work hard enough to obtain it! That the things worth having in life are the things worth working for. No life lesson was ever learned the easy way. It is through the trials that we are refined and made stronger. I wonder how this all sounds to a 8 1/2 year old.
While I am hoping that any of it or all of it will stick with him. He is a smart, funny, courageous boy. He captivated me the moment he came into the world. But, I always feel like I am pushing him. I know this will turn out one of two ways. Either he will resent me for it, or he will love me for it. I sure hope that he loves me for it. I just cannot stand back and settle for anything but his best. I am willing to work hard for with him.
I know someday I will look back on all of this and think I was crazy, all the sleepless nights worrying about them and they are not even in Jr. High!

Time is ticking away!

2009-11-23T08:53:00.004-06:00

Time keeps on ticking, ticking away. Soon my life will add a fifth child and a girl at that. My girlfriend had a baby shower for me. It was the sweetest shower I have ever been to. She invited about 20 people, had a great lunch and instead of the normal games she had everyone pick a bead the say something about me and a attribute for Karly. Out of the beads two bracelets were made and she wrote down each word in a book that she made. Sarah is very clever like that. Thank you Sarah for being so thoughtful and such a sweet friend!
I cannot believe it is almost Thanksgiving, this year has flown by me. I am excited to see what the future holds for my family. Looking back over the boys lives, I think of the things that have happened I am thankful that my mind remembers them all so well. They grow up so fast as I look my almost 9 year old in the eyes now and how he is a carbon copy of his dad! My 7 year old, I would love to spend just one day inside his head to see where he comes up with this stuff. My almost 6 year old he is one person at home and another at school I would have never thought it! Mr. Popular! My 4 year old who could still your heart with just one glance!
Now there will be Karly in a few short weeks. I wonder who she will look like, who she will act like and what she will think of her life!

How did I get here?

2009-10-23T23:42:00.002-05:00

It seems like only yesterday this year started and now it is almost over. Summer flew by me and I didn't even notice and now winter is upon us. As I approach the birth of our fifth child, I still wonder how did I get here to this place? I will soon have a 9,8,6 and 5 year old and a new baby. With so many uncertainties in life, I still am amazed at the human ability to expand the heart and allow love for one more person in. I know this will be a new adventure being the mother of a daughter, I am excited about the possibilities! Even though I never thought I would be here . It seems like the boys are growing at warp speed and soon I will wake up and they will be gone. Time just keeps marching on. You have those moments that you wish you could just bottle and keep forever. The faces they make, the sound of their laughs, the way they smell after playing in the leaves, the sweet kisses and hugs they give you. I hope they never grow out of cuddling and telling me they love me. I adore being their mother, every painstaking moment at times.

I like bugs more then people!!!

2009-10-15T22:51:00.002-05:00

Yes, you would know that I of all people would have a kid that says that! I said what? He said I like them more then humans we connect on a deeper level! You can find him anytime of the day anywhere with some form of animal or bug! They are always nice and if they bite you they are just scared because you are so big! I knew from the moment K2 was born I was in for it. He is so much like me but different at the same time. He beats to his own drum and does not care what others think. Animals he loves! He will sit with a dog for hours. Since we do not have any pets he loves bug and insects. A few days ago he found a praying mantis they pinch so when it pinched his brother, K3 he jumped on it and killed it K2 cried for hours over it. Now he has a katydid we had to tell him they only live for 3 or 4 months. I hope he is not crushed when it dies. I know he will be the one who goes far away to save some strange bug from death! The heart of this child amazes me! He would rather be with bugs or family only not people, because they are not connected! From the mouths of babes comes the truth!

Precious Moments

2009-10-11T21:41:00.003-05:00

It is days like today that I am reminded of why I married this man. Because after 14 years of knowing him he is still the one I love. Not often am I mussy so deal with it this once. Watching him with our kids is the most amazing thing. Seeing the ways that they act just like him is beautiful at times. Knowing that no matter what life challenges we face he is always there for me rather I need him to be or not. That he always considers me, and wants to know how I feel about decisions that we have to make. He stands by me in my parenting and makes sure that what I say goes. He knows that he can work 80 hours a week and that the balance of our home life lots of times falls on my shoulders. He is very understanding, yet at the same time when I am wrong he waits for me to realize it instead of throwing it in my face. He is not the arguing type and refuses most times to even do it. He wants to take care of his family. All he ever wanted to be was a daddy and now his dream of having a girl is coming true. Not that he does not love his boys because trust me he does, he just wanted a daughter. I am glad that he is getting that in life to be a father to a little girl that I know will grow up thinking her daddy hangs the moon!

Motherhood

2009-10-09T16:32:00.002-05:00

We all have those moments where a child drives us over the edge... The best way that I have found to deal with this to to call a good mommy friend who knows exactly what you are talking about! So you can scream, yell, vent or cry to them about it and they don't think you are crazy! That is unless they are one of those mom's, you know the one's! The one's who pretend like their kids never do anything wrong and that they have never had a moment like that! Yeah right, it you are a mom you have had a moment like that I assure you. I love having friends who know what i am talking about and find some way to make me laugh about it. I know no matter what I am going through that day that I can call her and she will make me laugh about it. It is perfect to have someone who shares your sense of humor and gets you with out having to say a word they know where you are coming from. My kids for the most part are good boys, but trust me they have those days that everything goes wrong and I have to find a way to get them back on track! I love them and I love being a mother, but there are days you can either laugh or cry about things I prefer to laugh!

This Morning

2009-09-23T08:48:00.002-05:00

This morning no one wanted to get out of bed as the crisp Autumn air filled the house. The four K's came dragging upstairs. They reluctantly got dressed and so began another day. As I walked through the house with my first very needed cup of coffee I saw one getting breakfast another staring off into space not quite ready to focus on his day, one needing help getting his pj's off his head while the other hummed a tune as he was brushing his teeth. Can you guess who is who in this picture? K-1 was eating, K-3 was not focused, K-4 needed help and yes K-2 was humming! They day is packed full yet again, I am off to teach math to some very advanced 1st graders, then parent teacher conferences, carpool, homework with 4 kids, dinner, dishes, laundry and on no sleep. This little girl that I carry inside me I am sure is already anticipating life on the outside as she only likes to sit in my ribs and make me uncomfortable all night.

How did I get so lucky to have these four guys in my life. It takes more power then I have at times not to bite them and smush them up. K3 always tells me after dinner "thanks mom for the great dinner, I loved it" where do these people come from? Some people say good parenting, but trust me that did not come from me! I think it is pure luck and I hit the jackpot. Though at times they make me crazy and there are not enough hours in my day! I wouldn't trade this life with all it's up's and down's for anything else.

I love mud covered kisses and boys talking about snot! I just hope that I will feel the same way about sugar and spice and everything nice! A good friend of mine said it best when she is entering high school K-4 will be going to college and you won't have to feel guilty about focusing all your energy on her and making sure she stays out of trouble!

So needless to say I am thankful, thankful for this crazy time in my life where everything moves a warp speed and all the days blend together. Thankful for these little hands that I get to hold even though some of them are almost as big as mine! Thankful for the young men that they are! Ready to see if I can love another just as much as them!

Life has Season's

2009-09-17T08:47:00.002-05:00

My father would always tell me that life has season's. Season's of sorrow, joy, happiness, wealth and silence. Now that I am in my mid 30's and having my 5th child, I can look back and see how much I have changed and what season's I have been in. The lesson's we learn along the way if we stop and reflect always help us in our current place. They give you strength to draw from, knowing where you have been and what you have made it through. These things give you hope, hope that the challenges you face you will overcome. All it takes is a little faith not alot just a little, the faith of a mustard seed. The most difficult things have brought me the greatest joy, the deepest sorrow has brought me the most peace. I hope that one day I can leave a profound impression on my children that we they face the mountains in this world they will know that they can conquer them. That as each chapter unfolds there is a new story about to be written and you can draw a inner strength from the road you have traveled no matter how rocky it has been.

7 Years Ago Today

2009-09-12T12:32:00.002-05:00

Seven years ago today I became a mother for the second time at 10:06 a.m. I had my 2nd son K-2. I was induced to have you early so that we could move to Maryland. You were born with great ease. The day we went home form the hospital Daddy and Papa left to find a house for us to live in Maryland and Mimi and I went home and started packing. We headed out on the 23 hour drive when you were only 2 weeks old. The first few weeks you slept alot. Then you screamed for the next year!

When I look at you I often see so much of myself. That can serve you well or be to your own demise! You are strong willed, do not care about others opinions of you, you have a wild imagination, to those you love you are the faith fullest of friends. There are so many things I love about you, you always make me laugh, you drive me crazy more then not, you are always up to something!

I am so glad that I get to be your mother everyday! You never cease to amaze me, though I know I am in for a wild ride and pray that I can keep you grounded, give you all the tools you need to succeed I love you more and more everyday!

So I hope that the next seven are just as great as the last!

Friends

2009-09-06T19:46:00.002-05:00

There are these women in my life that I love more then life it's self. No matter what distance may separate you from them, or how long it has been since you talked last. You can pick up right where you left off. They are constant, low-maintenance, fun loving friends. They will laugh with you, cry with you, be there for you in any way they can. I miss them most of the time and think of them often. Most of them are people who still live in places that I left. We became friends in many ways most of them have children my kids ages. They still know and understand what phase of life I am in. Most important they love me for our differences and accept me just the way I am. They make up a big part of my life and I am so glad that they have shared there families and lives with us!

Sensitive

2009-09-03T08:29:00.002-05:00

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the sensitive type. If you need extra care I am not the girl for you. I am sure life made me that way. Leaving home at 16 working in downtown Fort Worth 400 miles aways from friends and family taught me more then a few things. I figure if I can deal with whatever the rest of the world should be able to as well. But, as you grow up thing seem to become more complex, the people in your life become more complex and all come with there own set of issues. I don't go out of my way to hurt others, though yes sometimes it happens. I'm not the kind of person who stays mad, I normally speak my mind then I'm over it. I hold no grudge and try to live my life without regret. For the most part I am an open book. If you get the privilege of being considered a true friend of mine I would do anything in the world for you. I will treat you like I want to be treated by a friend. I put great value on my relationships not only with friends, but my family as well. Everyone who comes in and out of our lives has something valuable to give. They are woven into the fibers of who we are, they help shape and refine us. So if I do not tell you enough how much you mean to me just know that you do! That I love and care about you and even though I am not sensitive, I will still try!

Moving on...

2009-08-27T13:43:00.002-05:00

It always seems that once school starts time just begins to fly by me. All my days blend together, with so much more on my plate this year it is one right after the next. The boys all have different schedules, 2 schools and 4 schedules all I do is drive around. Plus I am on the PTO so there is always a meeting or a fundraiser. Then waiting to find out what we are having before I buy anything for this new little addition. I am awaiting the arrival of fall it is my favorite time of year. It always makes me miss Maryland, the colors, smells and festivals.

Last night I sat and watched K-1 play basketball with his dad. It makes me so happy to know that I made the right choice in marrying this man and spending the rest of my life with him. To watch my oldest think his dad is the greatest dad in the whole world even if he can't dunk anymore. He is so loving to our children and spent his teenage years imagining himself as a dad. Even when I feel my cup is overflowing I wouldn't change a moment of it. Life is crazy with 4 boys and one who knows what on the way, but I am glad that I have learned to roll with the punches and try to make the best of whatever comes my way!

Where does the time go?

2009-08-16T14:47:00.002-05:00

In the morning K-4 will be 4 it seems like only yesterday I was fighting with the doctor who was insisting that I have a c-section. He was born right in between Silvia and my dad's birthdays. It is funny to think that he had moved 4 times already in his short life from Maryland to Texas and Texas to Utah 2 different houses in Utah. I cannot imagine life with out him. He is funny, loves to laugh, thinks he can do anything his brothers can do. Much to my surprise he is looking forward to not being the baby anymore and to being a big brother. Even though I am sure he has no idea how much that will change his little world. When we moved to Utah he was still a little guy in diapers, now he is starting pre-school this week. I love being a mom and having my boys around I am sad that summer is coming to and end. Even though I am looking forward to getting back into a routine I am going to miss them being around the house all day!

Ignorance and Arrogance

2009-07-20T09:26:00.003-05:00

The Ignorance and Arrogance of other's never ceases to amaze me? Really are we not all the same? On the same road trying to find our way. We will all make mistakes, but is up to us to show grace to humanity, we all fall short daily. People can really be annoying, if you set out to find something wrong with someone else it won't be that hard to do I promise you. It is when we allow our minds to fabricate things about other's that makes us beyond wrong. I am by no means a perfect person nor would I ever claim to be the brightest, the best or the greatest at anything. I do my best to be an open book, yet I am cautious of other's. Why would it be justified to go after someone else morally, mentally, physically? Does it bring people joy to see other's suffer? I do think it is part of human nature but a little immature to hurt just because we have been. Or to show power of someone else, pretend we know what they think or feel. I think this kind of person has a God complex and needs humility.

Summer Days

2009-07-14T20:52:00.002-05:00

Summer has been non-stop. I love sleeping in till 10 am and staying up late with the boys. Days spent on the deck and outside. Today was spent at the pool with lots of friends! Next week we are off again on vacation to Red River, NM. Where the boys days and nights will be spent with daddy fishing! Yes, he looks up the fishing report everyday (as if it might change). Though I am not looking forward to a long car ride again I will be sad for summer to come to an end! Everyone goes back to school in August. We do find out what the baby is on August 3rd. There are times I still have mixed emotions about it, but I am sure it will all be fine in the end! 63 more days till he can start applying for a new store and we will see how long that will take and where it might lead us for the next chapter of our lives.

Hello Hello again....

2009-06-19T19:30:00.002-05:00

Well it has been a whirlwind of a vacation, and as we enter the last week of it I am apprehensive and excited to return to the mountains.

First we went to Oklahoma and stayed with my mom. It was difficult being in her home without my dad there and even though I know he is gone, those thoughts and emotions filled my mind. With all of the family photos around the house it was a reminder of the fact that he was missing from my life. The words of encouragement and hope for the future that he would always give. The deep voice telling you that he is proud of you and the choices tat you have made. Of the mother and wife that you are.

It was good to see my mom yet hard to see her struggle to find her footing in her new life.

Then it was on to Texas where the days and nights were filled with laughter, swimming, eating and being with good friends. I miss the ability to just be. It is so freeing to just be home and be in good company with old friends. I loved seeing all the kids and how much they have changed. Ladies night out playing games and laughing.

Now we are back in Oklahoma and my husband will be here tomorrow. This is the 1st time in 14 years that I have gone 3 weeks without seeing him. So I am excited to have the other half of the parent to my children with me! The boys are excited to see there dad.

As this life inside me grows I find myself thinking of how different my family will look and how we will all change. What the next phase of our life will look like!

Life happens

2009-05-30T14:26:00.002-05:00

So I am counting down the days to leave and go back home for the month of June. I know it will be difficult for me to come back. The last few months I have missed just being around my friends and family that I know love me just the way I am. This last year has been trying to say the least, with my father passing away, leaving our church here, and now being pregnant again with number 5 and not expecting that to come out of no where. I feel as though I have been ran through a gamete of emotions and lost all control. Not that I am a big control freak anyway. I am more of a go with the flow kinda girl. Non-the less it has been difficult and I miss the comfort of home.

Here I am reminded of what matters the most to me, and who true friends are. They are the ones who do not let you stand in the fire alone, but are right there with you. I am thankful for the experience and how it has changed me. But, I won't be sad when this chapter of my life closes and a new one opens. It will be a very welcomed change.

People

2009-05-21T17:05:00.002-05:00

People aren't they just funny. Complex creatures made up of there own insecurities that they are always trying to project on those who are not. At times I could just live without them. But, there are a few rare gems you find along the ways. Who carve out new meaning to you and your life. They are the reason I bother. I love them the ones you find by accident in life that you are instantly drawn to and know you will remain friends. The ones you are free to share your life with and be yourself with. It is the few that i have found here in Utah and I love them, there outlook and perspective is inspiring.

It is the ones with the hang ups that think they know it all and are always right about everything I could live with out. They can dish is out by the tons, but cannot take it at all. Who talk the talk but cannot walk the walk. We should all just live and let live! Be kind it won't hurt you nor will it kill you. I understand that there are people who do not know what true relationship is. Maybe because they were not shown it as a child or just have no idea. Even though they often think that they do!

yet again my rant!

Waiting to Exhale

2009-05-13T20:12:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am a caged animal, waiting to exhale. Only a few short weeks till school is out and the boys and I are on the open road. Like Dorthy clicking my heels chanting there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

Back to the place where no one cares who you are, what you are doing, what you are wearing or what you are talking about. Where the first questions are not about your religious beliefs, instead it is "Hi, darlin' how are you sugar and would you like some sweet tea". Where neighbors greet each other with comments about the weather or the local high school ball games. Back to the place where your front porch and driveways are social meeting places, the curtains are always open and everyone says hello.

Yes, places like this exist here in America is is called the southwest and I love it. Where people talk so slow that you can think about what you are gonna say next because it will take them ten minutes to finish the sentence they are on. Where no one cares what you believe in. Where being an American still holds pride and street dance happen in the summers along with bbq's and children swimmin' in the creeks and ponds. Where there are shade trees to sit under in the hot summer sun!

So, yes I cannot wait to drive over the mountain's and out of the Zion curtain.

On the soap box

2009-05-02T16:37:00.002-05:00

I am not the kind of person who whines if things do not go my way. I try to not be quick to anger. Though I am quick witted and can come up with some pretty snappy come backs! My husband and I are opposite in that. So when he tries to whine it does not go very far with me. I am the kind of person if you don't like it change it! I feel like we all have areas we could improve upon. Even though most of the time we do not until forced.

Life is not fair and it is what you make of it. I do not like my world being turn upside down,but when it is I try to go with the flow and not stress out. Because, really what does that help? It doesn't.

Another thing on my mind lately is what in world is wrong with people that they feel the need to lie? Are we not adults? Have we really not crossed that bridge? Do we really need to act like we are in high school and talk about people behind there backs while being nicey nicey to there faces? I am so sick of people telling me lies when I flat out point blank ask them something! And it is a simple yes or no answer and they choose to lie! For me to find out later that they are a big fat liar. Do people not understand that we are the example for our kids and if they hear us lying that they will lie. Not that i have not ever been guilty of a lie, because I have and it is not a quality that I am proud to once say was my own. Having kids has changed that all for me. Now that I see that they will and do act like me! It is scary!

Newsflash people it is okay to not be perfect! And you really are not fooling anyone!

Well that is enough of my soap box!

What about the LOVE

2009-03-30T20:49:00.004-05:00

What about the love? When we hurt others or they hurt us shouldn't we always respond in love? Isn't that what makes the world a better place. If that is the case then why can't everyone just get along. I get so sick of the self-righteous who think that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Who pretend to have all the answers while knowing nothing about grace, mercy, love or forgiveness. I know I am ranting, but it stinks to be caught in the crossfire of two people that you love and you know they love eachother. Yet it is so hard for them to see there own short comings and not just point to the others.

Work in progress

2009-03-14T23:17:00.003-05:00

Why is it that the best lessons learned in life are some of the hardest. Mostly taught to us as children and hard to follow as adults. Like treat others as you want to be treated, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. Why do we lose that sense of right and wrong, what we should and shouldn't do. I am defiantly a work in progress and would profess nothing less. I hope that I am being a good example for my children and think often about the choices I make. I want people in my life who are light hearted and don't always take themselves to serious or can laugh and have fun, yet are tender and kind to others and think about what they say or do. I am not always the most gracious of people and have been known to let my true feelings show more then once. I am often wrong and will admit it and seek to change. I try to look for good before the bad and do not want to be bitter in this place. I try to keep my heart open and my feelings to myself (though at times it gets the best of me). Live and let live isn't that the saying. Well, I must keep my heart right...

Planted

2009-03-09T00:48:00.003-05:00

Do you ever find yourself planted rooted deeply in thought. I have lately more then not. I often see my past like snapshots and short stories. There are many things I wish that I would have said more often.

Tonight we (Lety,Kathy and I) went to see Tyler Perry's The Marriage Counselor. It was so funny!!! It makes you think about how one mistake can lead to another and before you know it your whole life can be turned upside down. The grass isn't always greener on the other side kind of thing. With a ton of laughs!

It has been a long week and I have been missing being around familiar faces and places. Long night out on the street in the neighborhood, just laughing and having a great time. I know that once you leave a place that when you go back it is never the same, yet I am ready to move on again and find that place where laughter and the main thing goin'on!

For me moving is like therapy you can re-invent yourself everytime. You grow and learn alot about yourself by being put in new places and new sistuations with new people!

Per Chance

2009-03-01T18:55:00.002-06:00

At first glance you would have thought it was nothing, but it was. You would have thought it was just two girls having a conversation, little did the rest of the world know that the one conversation would change the two girls lives forever. The conversation was the one between my best friend and I. It would be the conversation that would lead us both out of the current relationships we were in and off to new cities and towns to live in. We would both move back to the places where our parents lived to rebuild our lives, figure out once again who we were and bring us back to center. The next two years would be spent with a minimum of 4 to five letters a week between the two of us. You see we were only casual friends during that conversation and when we parted. We exchanged address, and once I was settled in I would begin to write to her. I would write this person that I barley knew the most intimate details of my life. I would pour my soul out on paper. No pretenses just honesty. That is how our relationship began, we wrote of our pasts, present and what we each hoped our futures would be. I must say that today looking back on it she is the one person who completely knows me.

To Be Continued...

How fragile life is

2009-02-24T12:10:00.002-06:00

The topic I have been thinking about alot lately. Is how fragile life is. How we go along in the moment of a busy life and for some an over busy like, that we forget how fragile life is. Often we think are problems are so big that we cannot handle them. We focus on the right now at this moment instead of long term. So many things in our lives can change in an instant, so what are you doing with the now the right now? Are you loving the people you should are you building the relationships you should, are you pouring into your faith?

I don not want to look at the day as getting through another one, I want to look at with joy and what i have made of it or what I can make of it. I want to love every moment of being a mom even though some days are trying to say the least. I want to be a good wife, a best friend. I want to see things and soak them in. I do not want to get caught up in the things that at the end of the day do not matter.

I want to remember how fragile life is and how it can all change in a moment so that I make the best of what I have been given.

What is the true meaning of Grace?

2009-02-17T15:47:00.002-06:00

I often wonder what it means to others. In my life I have needed so much Grace that I feel it makes it easier for me to give Grace. I feel like if you have been blessed you should be a blessing and if you have been forgiven you should forgive. These are the traits I try to live my life by. Characteristics that I want to teach my sons.

Meaning of Grace: The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred.

Grace to me is loving the unlovable and believing in the goodness even when it is hard to see.

Rollin' with the Punches

2009-02-16T11:08:00.003-06:00

I have always been a when life gives you lemons make lemonade kind of girl...
To make the best out of every situation and not take myself to seriously...
It has served me well and I am bound and determined to not let this time in my life change me to much... We all need to change and I am always looking for ways to improve, I by no means am perfect and have alot of imperfections.

But to let others decided what you need to change is not an option for me. I keep it pretty real with myself. I see the good, the bad and the ugly about me. I daily take myself to task on things and have always been intropective of this subject matter.

I do not think it is up to others to define us, or on how they see us. I realize that at times all our vision can be impared because of situations with others. We think that we see to the heart of the matter when really all we see is our own pride. Pride that is a terrible thing to have though we all do at times.

Since I was very young I have kept journals and I have the ability to look back over mylife and see things from a different point of view. I know the things that I have struggled with in my past and the things that I am working on now.

I do not want to judge others though at times I know I am guilty. Though I do not think it fair to just sit and point at a person and pick at their faults without looking at my own. Every man is justified in his own eyes, any man who says that he is without sin the word does not abide in! Strong and powerful words in my life.

I try to lay my life on the altar and stay as broken as glass, but sometimes just sometimes I get sick of being walked on!

Clarity~~~Serenity

2009-02-14T19:08:00.002-06:00

As I ponder the last year and half and all that i have learned this time around, I am amazed at times. I find my faith more profound, my lack of let's just say caring what others think less ( like it could be less then before I know).

I find myself back to center more times then not. I have learned to see the world from a whole new perspective. I have learned to question everything. Test all things to know the truth for yourself Rachel, not just because someone says it is so. That is what my parent's always use to say.

Now in my mid 30's I find myself doing that more and more these days. Not only questioning like before, but seeking to know the truth for myself. I find myself leaning more and more on what I know to be true, not judging other's for what they do or choose to believe.

I believe this life is personal your faith, your relationships, your children. I think unless someone is in danger you should keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. I choose to parent my children and I do not want anyone elses opinion on how to do that. They are mine, God gave them to me and I am the one who will answer for them no one else. My faith it was meant to be personal and I like it that way to have a relationship with my maker is a beautiful thing and I do not think that others should tell you what that looks like apart from the Bible, my friendships they are what makes you up and keep you grounded.

I think we should all find clarity in what we believe and why we believe it and search to know the truth for yourself!

Friendship

2009-02-10T00:03:00.002-06:00

There are many times that I miss the comfort of home. To know that you have people who love you no matter what. They accept you as you are with no pre-tense, they love you even when you make a mistake. I often think about the people that I love, and the friends that I have made over the years. The funny thing is the ones that you thought were your true friends most times are not and the faithful ones the ones you will carry with you all of your life are a surprise.

One of my good friends here in Utah is not someone that I thought I would be close to, other then we go to church together and our kids go to the same school. But, that was in the beginning, now I know that we are so much more then that. See I believe a true friend is not someone who tells you what you want to hear or even makes you feel better all the time. But, instead it is the person who will call you out, who will be there for you no matter what and she is that person for me. The funny thing is that she and my best-friend share so many of the same qualities and they we born n the same day of the same year and are the same age (which is much older then me lol).

I am very thankful for her and she has helped me so much over the last year with the passing of my father. She has been a true friend and I love her for that. Thank you.... for just being you!

Searching

2009-02-06T13:20:00.002-06:00

Well, the rain is starting to fall. I am ready for this season of my life to be over. To get past the loss of my father, the feelings of being overwhelmed being so far away from my mother. Even though I try not to think about it, because it makes me crazy I still do! Just missing the comfort of home and trying to be content is wearing me down. There are bright moments to being here. I have meet some really good friends ones that i know I will have forever. Even thought some have moved away and are experiencing life on a grand scale they are still close! (wink wink you know who you are).

I know I need to get out of this place that I am in and I know once the sun starts to shine I will feel better. The hard part will be going home for a month then coming back and waiting to find out if we move, where we move to and when we move.

It is not something that happens overnight and it is a long process.

You never know what can happen. The last 4 years have been a long difficult growing process and I am still finding my way through alot of it. But, the end result I am sure will be well worth it.

Some things are better left unsaid...

2009-02-04T08:40:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel like you have to pick your own battles!
I am a pretty approachable person and people take to much freedom with what they say.
I think that we should all learn to be more sensitive to others and their views,
or even to what they might be going through in life.
That being said what is wrong with a little diversity? I personal happen to love it, it is one of the main things I miss living in Utah. And, I don't mean that because of the religious views.
Yes, I am a non-LDS living in Utah, but that has not bothered me. It is the lack of cultural difference here along with racial.
I have lived in a lot of big cities in the US and miss diversity. I miss a difference of opinion. Even in the church that I attend there is a sense of it is my way or no way, that I am not sure to.
I miss people just caring for one another with out pretense.

Where I am from in Oklahoma and Texas, people speak slower, I think they think more before they speak, and they just care with big heart.

I miss home and the 60 degree weather they have right now. I miss Tex-Mex and no one caring what you are doing!

I think that people should be concerned a little more with themselves, care about others without crossing bounds that you should be respectful of, and only give there opinion when asked!

My life with Boys

2009-01-30T10:38:00.002-06:00

I know it sounds like a great title for a book or song. Some days I need girl time because I get so much boy time. So outside of family one of the best things for me is girl time. Every where we have moved I have been blessed with friendships that stand the test of time and distance. Thanks to email, telephones, blogs and facebook. It seems that everywhere we move I have a couple of really close friends that stay in touch and vice-versa.

I love that the one thing I need most I always seem to find! Tonight the boys are staying over with some friends from church, Kevin works late and I get some alone time. How will I spend my time you ask? Cleaning of course, nothing like having a empty house all to yourself.

Next year I will venture into a new phase of my life were K1,K2 and K3 will be in school everyday and K4 will be in preschool. I am not sure what all of that will feel like, but I think it will be more productive. Even as I sit and write this K4 is right beside me coloring!

He is always asking me mommy what will you do when I go to school?
me: Well, I will be at home or running errand like I do with you?
K4: All by yourself mommy?
me: Yes honey
K4: Will you be sad?
me: No I will be fine.
K4: Mommy, I want you to have a real live baby?
me: Why?
K4: Because I don't want you to be by yourself at home you might cry?

Note to self don't cry when he goes to school he will be so upset.

Even though being the mother of boys can be trying, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. They are some great guys that never cease to amaze me. They are very thoughtful, they play great together, they love being with just us. They are not high maintenance, they are just happy!

I love that about them!

For 1 day and 1 day only

2009-01-27T11:11:00.003-06:00

Well, the sun is shining even though it is very cold. None the less it helps release the cobwebs from my head. I was meant to live in warm climates with maybe 2 or 3 months of winter not 8 months of winter.

I stared of the day with thoughts of my father. His best friend Greg has early on set Alzheimer's and it makes me sad. I have known Greg most of my life. He has been like a grandfather to me. I love him! All I could think of was my dad, how he and Greg did everything together they would watch a movie and fall asleep in recliners together. If one went on a road trip the other went along for the ride to keep the other company. Friends like that are hard to find. To see on was to see the other. They had been that way, they could always pick up where they left off with one another.

I am so glad that the last few years of my dad's life Greg and him were together. he loved Greg like a brother. Greg was always so caring and giving to my parent's. My dad was always talking about Greg. I adore him and it is hard for me to think of him not remembering things. So I pray that God in all His mercy is gracious to him just like he was to my father.

I love you Greg thank you for teaching me so many things. I have never forgotten the lessons that you taught me the summer at the Texas State Fair that I worked with you. I admire you in so many ways, your dedication, your hard work, your gentle and loving nature. Thank you for being apart of my life. Thank you for all of your help with dad's funeral I know how hard that was for you. Thank you for all of your jokes and for always teasing me. Like dad always said those are the things that build character:)

The Slush is falling from the sky!

2009-01-25T15:01:00.002-06:00

As the rain and snow mix together, it can not decided rather to snow or rain today! The perfect day to stay home and clean house. With 5 bathrooms and 5 loads of laundry calling my name I am sure today will be productive! The boys are of playing video games and my husband is watch the travel channel his new favorite Man VS. Food he watches it every chance he gets. I am sure he dreams of being able to eat at all of these places and try there food challenge. It's crazy I tell ya.

I am hoping to get back to the gym next week. I had to take the week off after an injury to my calf and I just don't feel as good not going! It breaks up my day and gives me time for girl talk, since I go with a friend of mine.

Lately I find myself dream of where we will live next and who even knows where that will be. But, with 233 days till he can start applying time is going by fast for me. My summer is planned.

1st the boys and I will go home to Oklahoma and Texas for a month. Then when we return swimming lessons for the 1st two weeks of July, then a trip to Red River at the end of July, back to school at the end of August then only a month till the day he can start looking for a new area.

Utah hasn't been all bad, we have made some great friends some I am sure will be with us forever. It has been a learning experience for me and the kids and that is always welcomed by me. I always seek new ways to grow as a person.

So here is to the clock ticking and me looking forward to moving hopefully closer to home, somewhere anywhere!

Accomplishment

2009-01-19T19:37:00.002-06:00

Well after last night and today I am feeling pretty accomplished. I have completed 2- 12x12 one page layouts and 7 12x12 two page layouts and a mini-album. I know to many of you this may not seem like a big deal. But, with my dad passing away I have want to complete a few things and this was one of them. I want to leave a story for my children long after I am gone. The most important pieces of life and everyday moments. So they will have these physical memories for the rest of their lives. I know I am cheesy and that is perfectly fine with me.

The boys love to sit and look at the scrapbooks now and talk about when they were little ( like they are so big now). They talk about where we lived at the time, who there firends were and what they liked most. With moving every two years I work hard to help them remember everything.

It also makes me think about them each indiviually as opposed to my boys all lumped together. They each have very special qualities.

By the way Shanna we were looking at the pics of K-1 and Charlie yeah he turned red all over and talked about how he misses hanging out with her! When did it stop being playing with her to hanging out with her???? And about going to the movies and getting to sit by themselves??? Like we were so far away (being right behind them) but, I guess it made him feel big!

So today I feel accomplished and we will see what tomorrow holds! Yes, my phone ringers were off all day not sure how that happened, but no complaints!

uh yea!

2009-01-18T16:57:00.002-06:00

So I have been busy, I know blog slacker. I am looking forward to a long weekend. I am going to do nothing but get caught up on a few projects (craft things) I have going on. Today some friends are coming over and we are going to craft. I have a few gifts to get ready. Plus I am just needing the entertainment. SO I promise I will fill you in on my life in the morning! 239 days and counting

It's a great life if you don't weaken...

2009-01-05T19:58:00.002-06:00

That is a line from the movie Stella and one I tend to use alot. The snow is back and I am not feeling the love of it all. I am suppose to go to the airport tonight to pick up a friend and her family, so yeah not looking forward to that. Plus, her flight keeps getting delayed!

A few things I have been thinking about lately...

How to live a more compelling life!

I know strange deep things are what make up my thoughts and many of you do not get to see that side of me except through writing. Writing is where it all flows out of!

To me it is not so much measures in my self worth, accomplishments that most people would count as so.

To me it is about the heart and the things that matter most. It is about me and them. My boys all 5 of them if you include the giant one. It is about my mom, my friends. I often think of it as a quilt. The fabric that you sew together to tell a story. Each person has a special place. I don't ever want life to get out of control, where I do not have enough time for what matters most. So many things come and go in our lives we find out pretty quickly what matters. It is those who stand beside you no matter what. It is about the memories that you create, because that is what lives on long after you are gone.

i have been thinking about the things that I miss the most about my dad. And about what would be missed of me. At my father's funeral I wrote and read the eulogy. I had to cut it down several times because it was just to long. It was hard trying to remove parts of it, because they all meant so much to me. I want to leave that for my children to much to even be able to put it into words!

Life in motion!

2009-01-01T23:23:00.003-06:00

This is what my afternoon was like... the boys and I went and saw Bedtime Stories...very cute!

Then we came home and made dinner, the boys were talking about what they were like when they were younger. Not that they are so old or something! So we watched old home movies from when they were born and when they were little!

So cute, make me think of how fast time is moving. When you are young you think it will last forever, then when you are older you wish it would you could turn back the hands of time.

I don't know about you, but my days were spent with friends and fishing. River parties and skippin class till we got caught!

My sister was always one of my closest friend, well she had to be we moved every two years. The best times were when we lived in San Fransisco and we would hang out on the block, ride the bus down to Pacifica and watch 2 movies for $2.50. It would take up most of our day! We would walk along the beach and talk to the surfers and just lay in the sand.

These are the type of memories that I want the boys to have. moving around only made me stronger. Moving made me more outgoing. I had to be if I wanted to make friends and I think that seeing all the different cultural places has made me a more open minded person. I tend to see more then one side of the box.

I hope that has not changed? We will see with our next move someday!

I hope that 2009 is on to bigger and better things for us. That we are blessed beyond measure and that where ever we go next is a new season in life foe us.

I hope that yours brings you more love and laughter then your heart and hands can hold!

To talk less and listen more (long post)

2008-12-29T14:43:00.003-06:00

My Mew Year resolutions of course are going to reflect what has been going on in the last year. Coming back to center has taught me alot about myself some good some bad.

1. Talk less and listen more
2. Grow deeper
3. Say I love you more
4. Be a better friend
5. Organizes and prioritize my life and belongings
(even though that has already started)
6. Laugh more
7. Build stronger family bonds
8. Not care what others think about how I live my life
(only how I feel about how I live my life, because in the end i am the one who answers for me)
9. Study more
10. Cry less

I know this may not seem big to you, but to me right now in life it is. Losing a driving force that was such a vital part of who I am, has knocked the wind out of me. I need to see things through to the end and take a look at what my life will say of me!

This is a song my sister sang at my dad's funeral it has taken on a whole new meaning for me!
Listen to the words carefully

Legacy by Nicole Norderman

Words:

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me

And I enjoy an accolade like the rest

You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery

Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights

We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'

But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides

The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy

How will they remember me?

Did I choose to love?

Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things?

I want to leave an offering

A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically

And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile

To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy

It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred

Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

So that is where I am right now!

What?

2008-12-24T16:36:00.002-06:00

Today was spent shopping and playing the snow, mounds and mounds of snow. The Oklahomans visiting do not get to see this much snow. My nephew was like you live in the coolest place ever! They are having a blast and fighting over the snowball maker all at the same time! We will spend the evening cooking snacks laughing and breaking up fights! Yes, with seven kids in the house and only one being a girl it is bound to happen!

Merry Christmas my loves, may it be merry and the sweetness of the season run over you!
I am going to try to compose myself over the next two days we will see how well that works out... I miss him and his presence in my life.

Today

2008-12-22T18:11:00.002-06:00

Today the snow has fallen all day. Not sure if it plans on stopping. I have not been very productive even though I should be since we have company coming in. I have gone shopping in the snow, screamed like a maniac at my children and the way that they clean up after themselves. What is it about picking up is it a concept that they cannot grasp because they are boys? Or, is it much more sinister is it my fault because I have done a bad job at teaching them. not sure which. I have had several cups of coffee and am still in my funk. I am so not in the Christmas spirit and it is sad because it is normally my favorite time of year. This year I guess I don't have much to celebrate maybe next year will be better. I feel bad for the boys having such a crazy mom who cries for no reason and is all yelling about things. Hope the in-laws are not expecting to much because I don't have much to give. God this is depressing! yuk

Seasons

2008-12-20T23:21:00.002-06:00

Everything in life has a season? Are the seasons what makes us better? Do they bring joy in the morning? I keep waiting for this season to pass and the new one to usher in. This year has been a long hard road for me. I feel as though ever aspect of me has changed. I am not sure if for the better. I hold on to faith and the meaning of what you were and what you will become, come only from what you have passed through. Profound, to think of what will come of this. This space in between that feels like it just goes on and never ends.
Trying to keep myself in the spirit of Christmas saying to myself I have to do it for the boys, but nothing seems the same anymore. Just wanting the sheer weight of it all to be lifted. There are still days that it feels unbearable, like I will crush underneath it. Some aren't so bad but everyday has pieces of it. If time heals all things then time needs to speed up! The hardest part is having everything be so different, not hear his voice everyday. The comfort, peace and encouragement that he would give. The wisdom that he had.

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow

2008-12-19T14:26:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know most of you are not covered in snow, but here in Utah it just keeps acomin'. Today we are getting another round this afternoon and it is rated at a 4 out of a scale of 1-5. Sounds like fun huh? So does 2 degrees tonight! No not really, I would much rather have 75 and playing at the park with a picnic!

Tonight is the 1st night of the Christmas play "Hark" it is a 1930's radio broadcast. The boys are in it and it runs for 3 days. I am the hospitality director this year. It has been fun, but I am ready for the show to get on the road. Next week My husbands brother and his family are coming in from Oklahoma to spend a White Christmas here in Utah with us. i am looking forward to having family around and the boys are geeked up to have cousins. I know they have always had them, but because out of our almost 9 years of marriage we have only lived by family for 18months of it! So they are super excited to have them here.

In case I do not write very much over the next week. May your Christmas be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmas's be white!

How do I help you hang on?

2008-12-16T23:36:00.003-06:00

My sister the only one of the six that I grew up with. The one who would sing "Open Arms" and "The Rose" to me while tickling my back when we were kids so that I would fall asleep, is struggling to stay above water so to speak. She is having a breakdown of sorts. She does not seem to be able to laugh her way out. This year has been the most straining on me and everyone in my family. Sometime you just stop and go seriously are you kidding me!!!

But, back to my sister she has had a pretty traumatic life to say the least. Yet she always bounced back with her sarcastic humor that kept her afloat. But, now for some reason her raft is sinking. How do you help someone that you love that is spiraling out of control? I know I cannot save her, though I wish that I could. She has 4 children and one grandchild. 3 of her kids are young enough that they need her to take care of them still. And my poor mom is having to watch all of this.

I cannot be him even though I wish I could. My father would have known what to do, how to fix this, how to help her, what to say. Yet I am at a loss once again and left crying with overwhelming grief. My heart aches at being so far away, not being able to help my sister or my mom. Who I know that if my sister cannot pull it together is going to suffer greatly watching this happen to her child. Without her husband there to soften the fall.

When I was younger my mother suffered from mental illness, I can only imagine what that is doing to her now. To watch her own daughter struggle through the realm of mental illness.

Why does life take so many turns for some and none for others? Is it by our own choices that we create our short comings? Is it really because we do not try enough, trust enough, or simply because we do not have faith in God? These are some of the questions swimming in my head.

Right now I wish the rain would stop falling and the sun would shine on my life for awhile and of those that I love.

Because seriously are you kidding me? Or My God My God why have you forsaken me? Tomorrow we will find out when she will be evaluated. I love you Carson and I hope that you can find your way again.

Here is the link to the songs see if you remember it Open Arms and this one The Rose

Have you ever noticed?

2008-12-14T10:03:00.004-06:00

Have you ever noticed how when there is a blanket of snow on the ground it illuminates the night? Well I do because when it snows I wish I had blackout curtains! I cannot stand light when I sleep! We have no street light because we live by cows and horses. It is all the moon and the snows fault. I swear you could drive in Utah at night in the winter with no headlights. I know when I move from here someday I will miss the snow. Just like I did when I left Maryland.
Today is full of cleaning and cooking getting ready for my husbands work party that we host at our house every year. I am sure he always prays for restraint of my mouth when his managers are at our house. Because we all know I just blurt out what I am thinking most of the time. No filter nope not me!
As the snow covers the ground and I think will this be my last year here, my last party with these people? In our lives the faces change so much, and everywhere I go I leave with a pocket full of friends and memories. He can start applying next September and who knows where will go next. See I don't care, I never really do, I will go anywhere. Every place changes me, every friend changes my life in someway. I am thankful for the ones that I have. you know a true friend when they stay in touch with you, as you trollop all over the country. When they come an visit you no matter where you are! I am thankful for the ones I have made here. they have kept me sane at times. All of my crazy MOPs mom's and Shanna my first friend here who now thanks to our company is in the last place I left!
I miss Shanna, I love having another wife who's husband works for the same company and knows my crazieness. When she and her kids could always hang out beacuse her life was just like mine. Who knows how crazy it can get in this life and all the reasons why! I miss her mad photography skills and showing me so much about everything. Our late night dates with hamburgers and a movie and no shortage of laughter! Hope we are back again together sometime!

It is sooo COLD...

2008-12-12T10:29:00.002-06:00

Today is the gym, then Polar Express with the boys ! It will be fun K-3 has a friend in preschool whose family owns a train and they do a Polar Express thing so we are going. I am renting movies making homemade Chicken soup and finishing some shopping for the Party at our house on Sunday for the management staff at the blue shop! Tomorrow it is suppose to snow then snow most of the week! I am not in love with the cold and miss the 62 degree weather in Texas right now. I wish we could go to the park and play, or go to the dollar movies with Shanna and make cookies. So as you are warm with the sunshine on your skin think of me freezing with cracked skin on my hands!

I will try to post some pics later of the train ride if it does not get canceled, but it is raining ice right now!

This time of year

2008-12-10T20:00:00.003-06:00

I love this time of year when all of the Christmas family shows come on TV. There is never a shortage of snuggling on the couch watching a family special. I remember when I was a kid and the Disney movies came on, on Sunday nights. You would stay up later then normal eating pizza and watching the special movie. I love being with the boys and just hangin' out. All of the kisses and cuddles. I hope that they never stop being affectionate with me even though I am sure there will be a time when they do. So, I think I will enjoy the moment for what it is. For right now I am thankful for all of the shows on ABC family and know that I get to look forward to one being on every night until Christmas.

Just in case you are looking for some good ideas to do with the kids on break check out this website http://www.makeandtakes.com/

they have some cute ideas!

Friendship

2008-12-08T23:02:00.002-06:00

I cannot say enough about the women who make up the fabric of my life...I LOVE THEM...

Today I talked to Madeline for a long time. She is so much fun she is twice my age and is such a source of inspiration and knowledge because she has already been there and done that! i love you haggatha :)

These women where would I be without them.

They make me laugh

They make me cry

They make me not take myself to seriously!

They take me as I am and if you know me you know that I can be hard to handle at times to say the least.

I got a card the other day from Karen... She is truly one of the nicest people and is always so giving of herself. I am so thankful to have her in my life! She knows just how to cheer me up!

I sent out happy mail to a few people...Shanna will be getting Christmas and birthday all in one I hope that it does not break in shipping Shanna.

Everywhere we move I am so amazed at the relationships that we create that stick with us through it all. The Mariners are a good example of that. All of the places we go and we always find friends that are just like having family, like here in Utah we have the Thomas family.

I know I am just rambling but unlike Shanna I look for ways to not have to do the laundry!

I feel blessed beyond measure today! I was going through alot last week and at one point was so upset I did not know where to turn, so of course I talked to my mom. After talking to my mom I was in the car listening to the radio and all 3 of the songs my sister sang at my dad's funeral and one that we did at the graveside together played one right after the other. Since then I have felt close to my dad even though he is not present. I felt as though God was looking right into my heart and knew what I needed in that moment.

So even though I know there will be tears still in the absence of a giant force in my life I feel as though we are not apart. I don't know how you feel about that and even before that happened to me I was not for sure how I felt about it but now I feel blessed! As I just sat in the car and let the tears wash over my soul. I am not a big cry person so when I do it really counts. That day I could not control it I just sat there like a crazy person crying in my car.

Wanting more

2008-12-01T14:01:00.003-06:00

After the death of my dad I find myself wanting more. Maybe raw emotions make you feel like that, I am not sure. I am searching, longing, trying o find my way to a better me. Expecting more from others and maybe I am wrong for that.

I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch life pass me over. I want to live out loud, outside myself. I want to enjoy the moments more with my children. I want to cherish and grow deeper. I want to laugh harder, not take myself so seriously. I want to dive deeper in my faith. I want to make each second count. I want my boys to know I love them. I want my husband to know that he is my one true love. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me.

So these are a few of the things I want for the New Year. The things I will be working to make happen.

More then just losing weight and being healthier physically, I want to change from the inside out!

Moments

2008-11-28T22:22:00.002-06:00

Today I spent playing away the day with my boys...
They grow up so fast, you look away for a moment
and they are off to school.
We were wrestling tonight and I almost can't take
K-1 anymore he is getting so strong, plus he is almost
as big as I am.

Last night was fun we had a few couples over and ate a ton.
Played some games and chatted away the day till late into the
night

I am thankful for having friends it makes it easier to be away
from home...

Today hit the great sales at Wal*Mart gotta love that store:) wink wink

Then made my way over to Sears where they had Wii games for $11 can't beat that.

Now all my boys are asleep in the family room watching Star Wars Clone Wars.
I am truly blessed to be there mother. I love the little carrier monkies!

To Be ThankFul...

2008-11-25T11:16:00.002-06:00

To be thankful... to show appreciation...to have gratitude...to give admiration...
I have always tried to live a life showing thanks...
I am so truly thankful even in this mess...
I am thankful for peace though it may come and go...
I am thankful for family...my husband and my sons...
they are the light of my world...thankful for my friends...
they hold me together...thankful for my faith...it gives me hope
for the future...thankful for life...for living and knowing...
thankful for memories...they make time stand still...
thankful for tears...they clear the fog in my head...
thankful for inspiration...it helps me keep going...
thankful for dreams...it helps me to feel accomplished...
I am thankful that I live where I can have a voice...
where things are better and can be better...
Today I am just Thankful....

The Tidalwave of life

2008-11-19T20:29:00.004-06:00

Today started out okay, I chatted away the morning with and old friend, tried to purge out some unused items,
worked out,
played with my kids,
got a good deal on meat at Wal*Mart :)
then came home and my world started crashing around me.

My mom and I had several unkind conversations with one another, both said things I am sure we wish we could take back and cried.

I know loss is hard, I didn't know that before, not before such an icon in my life had passed. Some days I do good to cope with my own grief let alone being exposed to others.

You feel as though your flesh is exposed, a gaping wound, seeping and drenched in pain. Like someone is tearing your insides out while you are conscious. The void is so vast that nothingness only remains.

I know this will pass for me and for her, but it is hard watching things knowing that it will never be the the same. Not know what is ahead. I know that she wants him back that he was her companion! He was her everything for 35 years. That he was my father for 33. I am not sure how to help her. At time you feel like you lost them both and that is ever more painful the just the one. Plus being 22 hours away doesn't help the feel either. Not being able to be there, to put your arms around her and let her know you are their and that you feel the same pain.

I try to no be self centered and at times I must admit it is hard. I am not normally a self-centered person.

Then I think at moments like these you know who your true friends are. They come to you aid, to rescue you from yourself. I have found a few of them and consider them the sweetest women I know!

Thank you for being my friend, for helping through this time, for being the life raft that I need right now. For stepping outside of yourself even though you have ever been where I am and just being a friend.

I love you for this and I hope that I can be the shoulder in your life when you meet this cross in the road. Thank you for being my bridge to the other side!

Missing things the way they were...

2008-11-16T23:20:00.002-06:00

Today I find myself missing things the way they were. Wanting to here his voice and talk about my week. So instead we hung up the outside Christmas lights. Here in Utah you have to get them up before the snow comes.

Last week was a blur, everyday had lots of tasks and I think I only completed 1/2 of them on any given day. This week does not hold to much yet and I hope that I can keep it that way! I just need to clean and organize. I need to not want to just sleep and just get things done! I hope that your week holds promise of a brighter tomorrow along with mine.

I hate email

2008-11-11T09:44:00.002-06:00

Since we have moved to Utah, I have had nothing but email problems! I hate email here it is so frustrating! Either I cannot send or I cannot receive! This place sometimes really makes me crazy!

Enough about that at least I can blog! Do you ever fill like you just have to much on your plate? That is how this week feels to me, maybe it is just the mood I am in. I get so irritated at how I feel and want to just feel normal again. I hope this is just not my new normal! Still plagued by the loss of my dad, trying to help my mom and my sister is feeling the same way. I wish I knew the answer to just feel joy once more. Some days are easy to get through and others just seem overwhelming. These are not normal emotions for me. I know that they are for most, but not me. I like to just be.

I am happy that time seems to be flying by me. Now that it is almost mid-November. I sit and think of where the time has gone. I am tempted to put up my Christmas tree that always seems to brighten my mood. Now to just find the time to be able to do that. Next week is a short week the boys only have school for 3 days so maybe then.

I know enough of my rambling. I am trying so hard to not just get stuck in this place. I am not a self-centered person and right now I feel like one.

How do you make a difference?

2008-11-05T18:40:00.002-06:00

I look around and see so many parents detached from everyday life with kids. Mostly, sadly mom's. How do we make a difference in the world.

Let me tell you how? One child at a time.
Make sure you encourage them.
Show them you love them.
Tell them your proud of them.
Push them beyond comfort zones.
Show them what hard work is.
Be the best example in there young lives.

The most important thing we can give is faith, ethic, imagination, perseverance and determination. Let them know that nothing is impossible if they work hard enough. If they don't like something they have the power to change it. All it takes is a conscious effort. Never lose hope, cling to faith and build on love.

I was reminded what I have lost by my sister who was having a bad day. Feeling overwhelmed still about losing our father. Missing that force that kept her going. My dad was so good about telling you how proud he was of you. Pointing out what you were good at and yet encouraging you in the areas that you needed to work on. Never sounding self righteous always pushing you to strive. Always showing you that he believed in you. I realize how many parents do not know what that looks like. How can we show something if we were never shown it? It takes making an effort to see beyond yourself.

I think that so many people get caught up living life that they lose sight of the most important things. Somewhere in there we have to stop and see today as a day to change. I feel as though I am a work in progress everyday of my life. Learning a lesson out of every day. Wanting to be better then what I am.

I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better listener, a better person...

I do not want to get lost in the busy nothingness of life, I always want to see today with renewed vision, faith and love.

I see them my four boys as hope and wanting a better way for them. i know I cannot keep them from failure nor do I want to. It was in the wreck of my life that I found myself, that I became who I am. I want them to know that it is never to late to change.

Sorry for all the reflecting and inner reflection posts guess it is just where I am at right now in life.

So as the snow falls here in Utah and the mountains are once again covered, I miss you my fair weathered friend if you were here we would grab a burger and laugh until we cried!

The weekend in retrospect

2008-11-03T11:03:00.002-06:00

Instead of trick-or-treating we went to the church Harvest Festival. The boys had so much fun! They had all kinds of games and food, plus they snagged about 15lbs. of candy no joke. I wish they did not get so much, but we are going to send some of it to work with dad and also put some in the operation Christmas child boxes we are doing as a service project. I think that it is so important for my boys to know how to give back. They enjoy picking out gifts for others and helping package the boxes! I want them to know that in life it is easy come easy go. To always share and give back to those who are in need. To be an important part of a community that helps one another. the boys were sick all last week. That is the one thing that I hate about having a large family it takes so long to get over things. I finished our Christmas cards and hope to get them out after Thanksgiving. Hope that you are having a wonderful day I am off to clean!

2008-10-29T17:35:00.002-05:00

There is that better or should I say easier on your almost 33 year old eyes? I almost can't wait to send your birthday present I look for so long for just the right thing! I am trying to make myself wait at least until December!

2008-10-29T08:26:00.003-05:00

I saw this over at Domestic Bliss it was a dress barn add. It fits my mood today!

Let yourself do something for others today.
Let yourself laugh.
Let yourself make funny faces.
Let yourself eat too much chocolate.
Let yourself meet someone smarter than you.
Let yourself be.
Let yourself entertain new possibilities.
Let yourself listen more.
Let yourself discover a new friend.
Let yourself whet new appetites.
Let yourself open up.
Let yourself think young.
Let yourself pass it along.
Let yourself be dramatic.
Let yourself experiment.
Let yourself twirl.
Let yourself cook up something new.
Let yourself spill the sprinkles.
Let yourself help others.
Let yourself be stirred.
Let yourself shine.

Hoping that your day is filled with laughter, love and creativity! Thanks Shanna for sharing the blogs that you like they are so inspiring!

Silvia

2008-10-27T14:13:00.003-05:00

Silvia is my longest relationship. We became friends by chance or fate. I was living in Fort Worth in an apartment complex and she was living there also. Though we would talk and make nice when we would see each other we really didn't know each other yet.

We were both in horrible relationships and making choices about them. We both decided to leave around the same time. We exchanged addresses and went our separate ways.

I started writing her and she was writing back. This is where intimate relationship happened. When you take a pen and put it to paper and pour out your soul for the other to read. This went on for several years, then talking on the phone and visiting one another once or twice a year.

Silvia is beautiful, thoughtful, talented, intense and emotional. She is my person the one who has always been there and is always there. She is the person that can tell you my emotion when I have no words. She is my heart without her there would be no me. She is my confident I love her immensely.

I could go on for days about her but I will leave you with that!

karen

2008-10-23T09:40:00.002-05:00

Karen and I meet on a whim I called about some stamping products and she came over to show me a catalogue. We ended up talking half the night and then made plans to get I children together. We spent four years together and still talk quit a bit not as much as either one of us would like. you see Karen does not like to talk on the phone. I have always had privilege of being the one person she will talk to on the phone other then her sister Chrissy.

Karen is light hearted, funny, always on your side, compassionate and loves sports more then most men. Seriously she listens to sports radio in the car and no matter what sport it is on TV it is on in the background. She never misses a score. When my husband was at work and wanted to know something sports related he would ask me to call Karen and find out!

Even though we are far apart now when ever I talk to her we pick up right where we left off! I love that about Karen she is very even-kill.

Today Shanna

2008-10-21T09:55:00.002-05:00

I found Shanna on line at cafemom.com. We started chatting and figured out we had a lot of things in common. Our husbands both worked for the same company. We were both stay at home moms and were willing to do anything for our kids. So we decided to meet and have lunch let the boys play you know. Shanna showed up late. For a while I thought what am I doing this woman isn't not going to show up. So I checked my messages at home and she was running late! Shanna was very quite and shy as well. Yes, I like that kind of friend. They tend to be faithful.
We hit it off from the start and haven't stopped going since. Now that you have the low down on how we hooked up here is what I have to say about her.

I love Shanna she is so funny. She is a great mom, she spends alot of time with her kids and is always coming up with fun ideas to do with them. She is a great photographer, very compassionate. The first time I gave her a hug she stiffened up so that made me hug her even more. She finally got use to it:) We would hang out together and laugh the whole time. She has a beautiful smile. She is the kind of friend that will stand by you no matter what. She always has something nice to say. She has a way about her that just makes you happy to be around her. She is very open and free and non-judging. She wears her heart on the outside for the world to see. She was my first friend in Utah and I miss her deeply!

Friendship is a beautiful thing

2008-10-20T22:16:00.002-05:00

We made it home safe and sound. We decided on short notice to go see some friends that moved back to Vegas this summer. It was so good to just be with them! I love them, our families blend together so naturally!

It never ceases to amaze me how friendships weave throughout my life making up the fabric of who I am. I am so blessed to have some of the most amazing women in my life. Tonight is all about Olivia.

We became friends in a away that I am sure alot of women do. We went on a field trip to the pumpkin patch with our kindergarten class. Our son's were already fast friends. She was quite and stand offish at first. I just kept bugging her until she was my friend. Me with my 4 boys and her with her 3 how could we not be friends. Soon we were tied together in more then one way. Her husband was looking for a new career and sooner then later he went to work for the same company as my husband. So that is how we became friends in the short version.

Olivia is and amazing woman. I admire her so much. She is very faithful to anyone but mostly to those she loves. She always knows how to make you laugh. She has a heart of gold. She is the kind of person who treats others how she wants to be treated. She isn't afraid to love. She does not let to many things get her down. She is beautiful even when she cries. She has a smile on her face when she wakes up in the morning. She is the kind of person that you can always take at their word. She is very honest, forgiving, compassionate, grace filled and oh so giving. Her laugh is infectious, her charm contagious and her love never failing.

I hope some of her character rubs off on me. Just being with her makes you happy. I am so blessed to call her my friend. Because I am given so much by just having her in my life!

I love you Liv thanks for havign us, feeding us, putting up with all our boy noise and I hope the smell leaves soon! Kiss the boys, and tell LL we love and miss him too.

She is gone...

2008-10-16T09:43:00.003-05:00

My mom left yesterday and I was flooded with emotion. I instantly thought of when I packed my family up and left Texas and my mom and dad were there. I never thought that would be the last time I would have seen him. The last hug and kiss from him. When my mom hugged and kissed me goodbye I just cried. I am so not a person who cries alot. I think the emotions of it all it one of the hardest parts for me.

Even though I think it my mind that it will not be the last time I see her and I have made plans to go home in the summer. You never really know when it will be the last time I see her. I know people often say love like there is no tomorrow.

But I seriously encourage you spend a little more time with the ones you love. make every moment count. Laugh a little longer, let your kisses linger so emotion that you hold inside. Tell people you love them more and be thankful for every moment with them. I want to make sure that the people in my life no how I feel even more now. It is something I never want to take for granted.

On a happier note... We are going to the pumpkin patch today, then tomorrow we are off to Vegas to spend time with some very close friends. you know those people the ones that feel like your favorite shirt. Warm, comfortable and you can be totally yourself with.

I am so excited to just get away. Now that I am finally feeling better.

I hope that your weekend is filled with love, joy and laughter. May you have more then your heart and hands can hold. Let the kisses linger!!!

Just for Shanna

2008-10-11T09:33:00.003-05:00

I will post some more later this is all I have time for right now! Send me the link for what I am suppose to use:)

Today we have snow in the Valley... 6-8 inches over the weekend. You no you misses it! I am so not ready for it. Not if it is like last year! Right now it is falling like rain out there. The big fat flakes that make you think of New England winter's. So today is Potatoe soup for lunch and a roast for dinner!

I had some crunchy scrimps last night and thought of you...My fair weathered friend!
It is days like this that make me want to stay in bed. I so get how bears can sleep all winter.

I have baby shower invitations to do today along with house cleaning, yes I have neglected it. With my mom only being here for a matter of days more. I have just been enjoying the moment!

Hope you fall is warm and not snow covered like mine!

Today

2008-10-06T14:55:00.002-05:00

Today there was snow on the mountains again. I feel it coming winter that is! It sweeps in like a fog and settles for the long winter here in Utah. Last year it snowed from October to May and I do not remember a time between that span that snow was not on the ground. I am going to enjoy the last week with my mom, before she heads back to Oklahoma. Her being here has made it hit home even more that my dad is gone and will never walk into the room again.

Over the weekend a friend of mine took some family photos and some of my mom with the boys. It makes me think of all the time I wish I had back with him. The conversations left un had. After I work on them some I will post a few!

Last night we went to the movies, we trade of Sunday nights with a couple from church. While we were gone he cut K-2 and K-4's hair. I will have to post pics because K-4 has a Mohawk and k-2 has a military cut so cute. So later this evening I will post those so you can have a good laugh.

PS: Shanna I went to the purple turtle today and had only thoughts of you my dear friend!

It has been a whirlwind of a week

2008-10-03T17:41:00.001-05:00

I swear as soon as school started around here we were off and running! It is crazy how much goes on in my day and how one day blends into the next! We are having company for dinner, on the menu... Steak garlic mash and veggies! So I will write more tomorrow we are having family pictures taken...

My Life in Motion

2008-09-19T00:14:00.002-05:00

Well, I did it
yep, I did
I joined a gym
you know
one of those
things that I do
not normally do,
I am not sure
what has happened
to me!!! Something
has taken over my
brain...

Well, my mom made it safe and sound and we have been doing lots of running around! The boys have been loving having her here and getting to play with her cat Moxey.
You see I am a mean mom and will not let them have an animal till they can all take care of themselves in the bathroom! That is not to much to ask, considering I have been wiping behinds for the last year! I think it is rather a fair trade if you ask me!

Tomorrow holds scrapbooking with friends, playing with a new baby (no Shanna it does not make me want another on, you've gone CRAZY), food, and playing with the boys. Next Friday is my mom's birthday and I am think about dinner and Color Me Mine Pottery. Along with the HOLY COW boutique and the Blue Goose. My mom loves things like that! I hope that she enjoys it. I know that it will be a hard day for her.

It has been strange having her here, don't get me wrong i love it. It is just a constant reminder that he is gone from my life. I know it was hard for her today, because we have lived away most of our marriage and every time she has ever been with my children my dad was there also. K-3 and my dad always had a special bond, he asked me last night why grandpa was not here with grandma. SO sad for us all that he is not!

I am going to finish cleaning, yes I like to do it in the middle of the night. I like to play to much during the day. And, it unfortunately will not clean itself. Believe me I have waited long enough to see if it would.

A work in Progress

2008-09-16T08:30:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like you are a work in progress? I feel that way all the time. I will never be finished always incomplete. Everyday brings promise of change in my life, maybe because I am open to it. I learn something new about myself, things I like and don't like. The things that are the hardest are the things I don't like and that I need to work on so that I do change. I never pretend that I know it all because trust me I don't. I try not to talk about things that I have not been through and value people who have. I want to be open to listen to really hear what someone else has to say. I want to be a good friend the kind I want people to be to me. It is hard for me to understand people who cannot put themselves in someone Else's place because I do it all the time. I want to be compassionate to always admit when I am wrong. So, why do some people not or not even have that thing in them that says your wrong you have hurt someone?

On a lighter note K-2 turned 6 last Friday...someone tell me where the time goes? I cannot even tell anymore. Next time a wake up they are going to be off to college or having a baby of there own.

My mom is half way here. She is staying for about a month, it will be good for us all to get to be together.

Where do I go from here?

2008-09-10T17:05:00.004-05:00

Today there is a haze in the air, the smell of rain and a fall musky kind of scent fills the air. Maybe that is why I fill the way I do. When you lose something you love so dearly, it fills like a haze covers you. Many days I wonder if the absence or the black whole of nothingness that covers me like a blanket will ever leave. I tell myself you have to move past this point and some days I feel like I can. But, others I feel like I am back at square one. I am so tired of tears filling my eyes and this ache in my heart. I wish the haze would lift from my eyes so that I could feel whole again. It is not easy feeling this way and having a crazy busy life like mine. The mother of 4 boys who need there mom to just be normal. Is this my new normal? I feel like everyday if I have something to say it is way to deep for the rest of the world. Where do I go from here? The silence of his booming voice giving me direction i my life, guiding me telling me it is going to be alright and that no matter what choice I make he will be with me to support me. He did even when I made the wrong choice at 16 to marry a crazy man. My dad was there and he was the one who picked me up when I wanted out 6 years later. He was the one who wiped away my tears and told me you do not have to be defined by this part of your life you can learn a valuable lesson and move on to greatness. He was there when I had my sons. He and my mom watched them when I went back to work and I was so grateful that they got to spend that time with them. He was always the person who could make me see the heart of humanity and love people for there differences. To realize that the world has many face and place.

He taught me to lay out the alter of my life and leave a mark on everyone I met. To show grace and love at all time (which I am still not very good at).

Again where do I go from here? I am not sure... The one thing I do kn0w is that I want to live out the example that I teach my sons. I want them to know I will always support them and love them...

What a week

2008-09-09T11:06:00.002-05:00

Well with the BIG K gone it has been a long week, and honestly it has only been 2 days so far ! But, hey that is a long time to play single mom for a mother of 4. Last Friday K-2 had a carnival for school. What a time that was. Why parents do not see it as there responsibility to raise kids is something I do not understand. I think how my children are is a reflection of the love, discipline and time that I invest in them. Why the state of Utah does not see that I am not sure. What do parent's think the kids will turn out like! We are suppose to give them direction, teach them to be curdious, to treat others how they want to be treated. Not just let them run wild, sass you and be disrespectful to others. This has been one of my biggest issues with living here. Maybe that is because I come form the Midwest where everything is yes ma'am and no sir. Where the kids are kids and the adults are adult and until you are of a proper age you do not question the authority that God gave them over you! My mother would have slapped my face if I talked to her the way I hear kids talk to parents!

I expect my children to behave in public or at home. They need to use good manners and treat others how they want to be treated! They know that if the behave there are rewards and if they do not there will be consequences. That my friend is just the way it is. I am a woman in a house with 5 guys, they all know that I am the queen and they have to obey!

In return I love them, feed them all the foods they love and we get to do fun things because they are well behaved when we go somewhere.

Moving on...

2008-08-27T11:38:00.002-05:00

K-2's teacher called this morning and he is being moved up to 1st grade math. You gotta love it when your child who just started kindergarten is being moved up in the 1st 2 weeks of school. He is a smart kid, I don't know what I am going to do with any of them when they will all be smarter then me by the time they are in the 3rd grade!

I am hoping my mom will be here before her birthday so we can help her celebrate it! It will be nice to get to have her around for a while. I had been missing them so much! It will give the boys a chance to get to play with her! She is a great grandma! She does all kinds of fun stuff with them and they love getting the extra attention! It will give her a break from life and a time to rest and get focused on herself now! I know that she can do anything that she sets her mind to. I wish she would write some children's books! Like an adventure for boys. There are no good books out there for boys! She use to make up stories when I was a kid with big glasses of chocolate milk it was the best.

Well I better be off to the rest of my laundry Shanna would be so proud at how organized I am getting now that I now longer have her around to waste my days with!

Vanilla Joy Love

2008-08-26T08:13:00.002-05:00

Vanilla Joy is having a contest! For the next week! If you have never heard of vanilla joy is a great place to get creative date ideas, family fun,Kids face painting,discipline for children, and many more great ideas. SO if you haven't been there check it out.

Not wanting

2008-08-19T23:34:00.002-05:00

I feel like a ship lost at sea
without an anchor left to guide me.
Not wanting to continue feeling this way
and at the same time not wanting the feelings to go
away. Because then I will miss the part of him that
I still have.

I know that like all things in life that with time this
will get easier, but I am not sure how. My father was
the cornerstone that held everything together.

Even though I am trying to be strong for my mom,
it is so hard to see past my own pain. I often think
of how she feels being married to him for 35 years
and not having that person in her life, to share each
moment with. I feel so selfish for my own pain.

I will be out of commission for a few days my computer is getting some much needed work!

Short Break

2008-08-12T00:09:00.001-05:00

I will be off for a while...My father passed away on Friday 8/8/08 and I am out of town helping my mother.

2 Wheels and Big deals

2008-08-04T22:38:00.003-05:00

We finally did it..we convinced him to give it a try..he thought he could not do it..now he knows he can..

I am so proud of K-1 he is such a big guy it was a shame that he could not ride a 2 wheel bike. He would not start on the new one, but decided to give the old one a try. With daddy to help him, mommy, mimi and papa to cheer him on...off he went it was that simple. Such a big guy so proud of him!

Hello,hello again lallaalla

2008-08-03T09:12:00.003-05:00

We hello friend! The in-laws are in town this week. It is so nice to have family again! Since we have not seen anyone for a year now. I was showing them all the pictures from the last year and noticing that most of the good times were spent with Shanna and the gang. I miss them, I hope that they are loving Texas. We are planning a trip down next summer to hang out with them and my best friend Silvia. Today my mother-in-law and I are going to see Mama Mia. In Utah no one really does anything on Sunday's so it is a nice time to get out when there are no crowds! The boys are going fishing with Papa and daddy.

Last week was a blur. I was the director for Vacation Bible School and the week just flew by. With 100 kids what do you expect. It was a lot of fun, the boys had a ton of crafts when they came home.

I was lucky enough to score some school year kits by Becky Higgins. Angela had called me because she had gotten a hold of some. I was so excited. Thanks Angela you are fabulous for thinking of me!

Well I will post some pics soon! Hope your day is great!

Me vita loca

2008-07-27T23:46:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been a whirlwind of a month!

July 24th what is that you say! Well it is the day Utah became a state. For all of you non-Utah readers I know this sounds strange. But, around here it is a big deal! Parades fireworks all kinds of cray. Me I went tubing down the Provo River! Fun yes, but not like the Guadalupe River back home! Still fun none the less!

Tomorrow is the start of Vacation Bible School. All the excitement! It is going to be a crazy week and on Friday! My in-laws will be here! I am so looking forward to them coming to visit. I have been feeling homesick more lately then ever. My mother-in-law will be able to fix that for me! A good Lemon meringue pie, Canasta till late in the night and Mama mia!

Ever since Shanna left I have been wishing I were back home. The comforts of food, shopping, and life like I know it. Have consumed my thoughts. Crickets it the hot sticky night air. I love Texas and i cannot wait for summer to come back around so that I can go home and visit!

Go back to the place where ya'll and ain't are apart of everyday life! Where it is so humid that you take a shower every time you go inside the house. Late nights at the pool are a must, ice cold sweet tea all day long. Sitting on the block after dark with all my friends just laughing and watching the kids play. These are the things that I miss about home!

Hang in there Shanna it will soon be apart of your life as well. You'll start to meet people and the kids will get into school and you'll all make friends, you will love it !

What would you do?

2008-07-16T12:37:00.004-05:00

A good friend of mine called me upset last night at midnight... Her 16 year old son had just been picked up by the police. He and his cousin were doing art work in a public bathroom at a local park. I feel for her and it also makes me think of my own parents and all that I put them through. You see I was not a model child by any means. It does not mean that I did not have great parents who tried to do right by me. They really were good. It was me the bad kid. The best thing my parents ever did was work me to death. Remember this if nothing else. Idle Hands Bare no Fruit, so it is time to get to work.

So today I have two young men who are not bad kids. They are just making bad decisions pulling weeds in my yard, then they will trim the hedges and re stack boxes in the garage. I am also going to find some others for them to do work for this week. Poor kid I have already made him cry twice. But, it is good for him and hopefully this will help him understand,

That right now at his point in his life,
He is defining who he will be,
What kind of character, integrity and moral conduct he will have.

Right now he is choosing what kind of man he will be.

God help my boys, this is what I do to someone else's kid.

Everyday we are given should be a day that we see life and experience it. Cherish the moment make sure your kids know you love them and also make sure they know you will work them to death if they step out of line. Doing for others is what gives us perspective.

Working is what builds our character and shows us how productive we can be. It also helps for inward reflection. The best years of my life and the most defining we spent serving others...

Someone tell me?

2008-07-13T22:50:00.002-05:00

Please tell me where July has gone? In fourteen days I will be 33! The month has gone by so fast. I wish it would slow down some. Before I know it the boys will be off to school. The oldest will be in 2nd, then 1- in Kindergarten and the 3rd one in preschool. It will be K-4 and I at home he is turning 3. I think that he will be mad at me. Stuck at home with me while K-3 is at preschool 3 days a week and K-2 is at Kinder. I am sure I will not be as entertaining as he is accustom to. Being the youngest of 4 boys has it's perks. He knows all about Star Wars, how to play sports and how to get his way. The 3 older K's have spoiled him in his 3 years.

I love being the mom to 4 boys, the treat me like the Queen that I am! Adore everything that I say. i know this will be short lived someday they will notice girls!

Do you ever wish it would just Rain?

2008-07-06T21:47:00.002-05:00

Today I wish it would just rain. To help clear the cobwebs out of my head. So many things have been rumbling around in there lately. I know that if it would just rain it would help! I am not an overly emotional person, but sometimes a girl just needs a good cry. Maybe, that is what I need because I haven't had one in a long time. i feel the pressure building just waiting to erupt.

Yesterday was great we went fishing all day. When my second oldest thought no one was looking he was doing a little funny dance down the road. I sat for a long time and just watched him. What an amazing person he is! He is so crazy I often wonder what is going on in his head. He was jerking and moving, shaking his rump all over the place. You never know what he'll do I swear.

Life takes turns

2008-06-25T09:38:00.002-05:00

Isn't it funny how things change so quickly? How irony always plays apart? How we meet the right people at just the right time in life? How they change us?

Irony~ My friend Shanna is moving to Texas. Right by where I use to live.
I am sure this will be a big adjustment for them. I am confidant that they will fall in love with it!
It will take them sometime getting use to the flatness, no snow and everyone smiling and saying hi, how are you today honey, ya'll and all that.

But, they will learn to love it! It is so different from here. But when one place is all you have ever known it is a hard transition. I will miss her alot though! She was my 1st friend in Utah, but I know we will remain friends. Plus you never know where I will end up next!

I cannot wait to hangout with her and the kids on Friday...

Sunshine

2008-06-16T11:42:00.002-05:00

Well CathyZ is doing a scrapbook giveaway over on her blog. So stop by and show some love! She is wanting you to tell her something positive about yourself that you like! I think that we spend way to much time thinking about what we do not like instead of the things we do like! So think about what you like about yourself and show yourself some love!

Things have been crazzzay

2008-06-13T12:38:00.002-05:00

Life has been pretty much a blur for the last few week...
I had gone to the doctor because I just have not been feeling like myself.
He took me off my birth control and did tons of blood work.
We his office called the other night and my Thyroid is way off.
So, they started me on medication, but he would like to see me
to discuss the rest of his findings! In my mind never a good thing!
So my appointment is next Wednesday and will see what he has to say!

All I hope is to be back in the swing of things soon!
My life does not condone taking a nap everyday.
By afternoon my battery is completely gone.
So whatever I need to get done has to be done by the
morning or else it is not getting done!

Hope your life is doing well!

Hey friend, do not worry about crazy people! I never do!